Anger is Natural

Anger Lingers, it is your personal bodyguard. But it is healthy? It is! But it is healthy only in a way that Anger must run it's course. Anger is yet another example of an obstacle we must overcome. Because Anger leads to bitterness and a bitter heart is no way to live. Being Survivors of any form of sexual violence it is easy to understand that many of us carry such an anger within us. In spite of how much life around us either un-folds or grows for the better think of your Anger as a gleaming light in the milestone of healing.

Anger Association

Anger is a way for us to get in touch with our true feelings, when we are Angry about our violation we are in grievance for it. Something was lost or stolen from a very sensitive part of your soul, nothing can replace that and we do understand, but you can feel whole again. A lot of the times a certain word or phrase can cause our grief. We are hurting and suffering just the same as anyone else except in an emotional sense and that oftentimes becomes tangled in a web between understanding and flat out denial. So what I like to do is this.

Play a game with yourself...

For example, 'Jamie' is very angry today because her Mother called her up and said she did not understand why she didn't tell her after all these years. but about a month ago she was more supportive. This happens quite frequently and is one of the best examples to portray because this is one of the easiest ways for a Survivor to feel angry. When we are convinced of something and suddenly sling shotted right back into the situation but with a different outcome. After Jamie hangs up the phone she could calmly say to herself that she will talk about this some other day, right now is her time to reflect. Remember I said play a game? If Jamie takes every single emotion she felt when she was speaking on the phone in anger, and thought about those emotions as if they were words in her mind and then took those words and associated them with their opposite meanings the outcome would be fantastic. For example: if you were feeling, bitter, shamed, or sad think of Out-going, Supported, and Happy! Already Jamie is feeling strong, more confident, ready for the next time her Mother calls. Now this may not be much of a game but to the life of a Survivor anything is fair game. There are rules we need less complicated, factors less severe, we represent chaos and yet we hold love so deeply it's an amazing array of life imitating chemical reactions. And mostly we have the ability to come from Victimized to becoming Survivors in a more healthy skin. Nothing could be better than that. I've used Anger Association on myself many times in the past years. There is a sense of joy that comes when you start to automatically catch yourself doing it without thinking about it. Then you realize your exercises are a part of who you are and how you heal and that is a good thing. There are benefits to how much more you do for your own body. There is inner peace.

Taking It Out On Others

We would like to think it's okay to throw our words out into the air to anyone who is in the way enough to reach and just take them. But we have to remember as human beings that they are human beings as well. Anger comes in many forms, even in silent forms. Anger can be portrayed by a look, a tone of voice, a gesture, a remark or blame, perhaps a sudden outburst or a need to become violent with oneself or with others. There is a difference between taking your anger out on yourself and others and just releasing your energy. When we say releasing your anger we mean in a positive way. There are many ways of relieving anger and stress without using your loved ones as target practice.

Journal

Journal writing can be both therapeutic and memorable, you can catalog and record all your daily stresses and stories with the choice of being able to reflect on a later time.

Punching Bag

Believe it or not more people in the work place are installing punching bags for the relief of stress during breaks. I think it's also a wise decision for the house or garage set-up for anyone who needs to just wham the crap out of something within reach. Punching isn't a bad thing, it's what you punch that matters. Taking it out on a big bag never hurt anyone.

Hot Bath

Pamper yourself in a hot bubble bath. Dim the lights, light a few candles, put the calm music on and really enjoy your time with yourself. You can have a wonderful hour alone by yourself and have not a worry in the world. I find that Eucalyptus Spearmint Soaps and Oils are universal scent, refreshing for everyone and it really helps in the aromatherapy sense to ease breathing and well being. You can find it at any 'Bath & Body Works' in the mall.

Warm Drink

Have a hot cup of tea! Not everyone are tea drinkers so if you have some coffee by all means. But try to steer clear of any caffeine. There are teas and coffees that do not contain caffeine, have a mixture of both. Something to wake up to and something to relax to. Because there is nothing like sitting down to relax with a cup of tea and ten minutes later you're running around the house cleaning like a mad person. Simply allow yourself to drift off into it's flavor, texture, warmth, sit by the window or watch a great positive themed television show, make sure it's something you chose!

Community Help

There's nothing like being a part of any community no matter how close or how spread far in the distance you are you can always rely on a place to vent your feelings down. Maybe a journal isn't your thing, men can you agree with me? Hey, man or woman we all have different needs. There are many forums and chat rooms on-line right now for Survivors of Sexual Abuse and about 90% of them contain sections just for your venting pleasure. Venting on-line is positive, there is no negative effect. When you release that it's gone, that part of your emotions has just entered their realm, they are your support group now and they are willing to stick by you as great listeners and friends. I also like to believe in RAINN for another Community Help resource. RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network has the Nations ONLY Trusted 24 Hour Confidential Hotline for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, 1.800.656.HOPE. When calling RAINN you are not only getting someone who is willing to listen to what you have to say and help you get through this, they are willing to be there all night. So say you can't find anyone on-line to speak to at this particular moment, call RAINN! If you can become familiar with the confidentiality you will becoming more apt and able to comfortably talk to them from time to time because of course the first call is always the hardest. You have all our support.

Others Forms Of Self Help Include:

• Calling a Friend

• Be creative With Hobbies

• Taking a Walk

• Breathing Exercises

• Listening To Music

When Others Don't Understand

It's oftentimes mind numbing when you notice that someone else doesn't understand. Especially when you're getting angry because you are trying hard to get them to accept when you don't want to talk about something as sensitive as Sexual Abuse even if brought up in a movie or casual conversation, sometimes it's okay not to talk about it, hey that's a right we do have. What you have to know is that you are even more in the dark than you may believe. Imagine what it must be like for someone who is not a Survivor of Sexual Abuse, has a completely opposite personality than you, isn't as sensitive to words or feelings, and the list goes on. They look at you just as abnormally as we would look at them. I know for a fact most of us ask "How could they possibly not get it?". The answer is simple. Trauma especially in Children at an early age for example embeds itself within the memory. When triggered by a specific word, scent, reaction...we react in our own emotional defense, placing up all sorts of guards which are also at times noticeable on the outside. When the person next to you feels un-easy don't be afraid to give an explanation as to why you feel so awkward and out of place. You never know if you'll get a positive or a negative reaction but you will surprise yourself when you speak out in ways without causing too much attention to your situation. For example you could reply and say "You and I grew up in entirely different situations, would you like me to explain what I mean so you can understand?"

Take Control

Be the boss of your own anger, do the research. Anger can't always be cured in the form of a pill. It's sometimes easy to turn those valves of heavy anger flow off by simply allowing yourself time to understand others around you and yourself as well. The one thing a lot of us do first is go strait for things we shouldn't to help relieve anger, violence, self-harm, taking it out on others, drinking or drugs, blame ourselves, over-eat. No there is a better kind of existence out there and it belongs to you alone. You of course make your own decisions and you are no less of a person if you have a double chocolate cookie to help ease the pain or if you have a cup of tea. It's all about positive re-enforcement. Not by others but by you, by choice. You have the choice to make your life feel better, start today, not tomorrow. You deserve to get your life back.

Think Before You Speak

You've heard it so many times I know I have, "Think before you speak". When I was a child I never understood this I must confess, but I do now. How powerful are words? When someone says "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me" do you actually believe it? I don't remember the last time I stubbed my toe but I sure remember the last time someone said something horrible to me. Words DO hurt, they do have meaning, they are more powerful than anyone can imagine. Use your words wisely. Think before you speak. It's not hard and in time you will learn to adapt it to everything in life. We all slip up and make mistakes, that is because we are flesh and blood, I can argue like the rest of them ask my site partner Brian. But I do believe we can all benefit from watching ourselves. Kind of self clairvoyance if you want to call it that. We know what our actions will bring as an outcome before we even open up to say anything at all. Be patient with yourself. If it takes you a minute to reply to a simple "Hello" that is your right!

Love & Support, Haullie