The Composer
An Interview with the songwriter for the CD 'Voices of Strength'

What fueled your desire to compose the music for 'Voices of Strength'?

When Haullie asked me to write the music for Voices of Strength I was going through a hard time trying to come to terms with the ebb and tide of life and death; in the sense of being alive or dead and also in being loving and hateful towards life. Although I was very confused, I seemed to be in a good place; being able to move even when I didn't think I had enough strength in me to move anymore. I thought that I was at peace with aspects of my past that I quickly realized I wasn't. Eventually I was so wound up with confusion and sadness that I needed to get all of that energy out of me and into some other form, thank goodness for the music.

As a survivor I have always hid from the pain that I went through, never really telling anyone what has happened to me; I've never been able to find the words to describe how I felt or what I went through. When I was approached to compose the music for the CD I spent a lot of time searching the layers of my spirit; trying to find out where I was in the mess I found myself in. I found so much pain that I thought had gone away and so I decided that it was a good time to take a walk with that darkness and embrace it.

When I was asked to write for Voices of Strength I found that dark place and I needed to explore it in order to understand myself better. I also needed to find a place inside of me that could hold my past and not cut up my insides. I spent weeks thinking about who I am, who I was, the things that have been done to me and I tried so hard to find that place inside of me that was shattered. It wasn't an easy search, I found so many scattered pieces; it was overwhelming. I began to pick up those pieces and the songs led me through without allowing too many shards to cut me up. I still have the pieces but now I'm working on finding the glue that will hold them all together.

As a Survivor of Sexual Abuse, how does music help you in your healing process?

According to my Mother I have been singing since I was 18 months old. I was sexually abused when I was three years old. So before I was abused I was singing, I guess music is something that has held me through these hard years. Music helps me everyday, lyrics, melodies, harmonies...for me music is pure love, it's the only way that I can find my way in and out of my dark places; music is a spark that can lead me to sanctuary.

Right now I'm writing music for myself, the dark places, the light places, those who have abused me, and those who have been abused. Before I worked on this project I was certain I had gotten over being victimized; what this project taught me is that the pain will never stop if you're just covering up the hurt. When I play my piano I'm listening and translating the hurt from inside, whether it's inside me or inside someone else. You can hear the wind from those places in the music I wrote, it's very dark, very consuming.

If each song had a personality, what would they be?

I don't know too much about specific personalities, but when I was recording the songs there was definitely an ethereal feel to them. Sort of like they were ghosts, they seemed so far away. I don't believe that I "wrote" the songs so much as I translated a living energy and emotion.

I remember playing the songs and they felt like ice to me. I was reminded of a place I sometimes find inside called 'The Icefield', it's cold, harsh, the wind blows strong and it's hard to escape... but it's lovely if you have warmth to protect you. The cold can be embracing but how long can a person withstand freezing temperatures? Going to the coldest places inside of me taught me to appreciate warmth and love, in the end being so cold has shown me how to counter ice with fire.

I was afraid at first that the songs were too dark until I realized that all survivors have an Icefield inside, where everything is so cold that it turns to snow and icicles. I'm hoping that through facing the cold we can all learn to accept it, breathe it in, embrace it, understand it and move on to warmth and fire.

How long have you been musically gifted?
 

My Mother told me that I've been singing since I was 18 months old. I can remember sitting in the car with my Mom and singing Pink Floyd and Tanya Tucker for her. Those are some of my happiest memories; my Mom has always been my biggest supporter when music was concerned.

I started playing the guitar when I was 14 years old; a good friend of mine gave me her guitar when she moved from Canada to the US. I had it for a few years until I got serious about music as a teenager.

I've always loved the piano; I'm sure the love of music comes from my Grandmother's love of music. She's a Conservatory trained music teacher so music runs in the family, unfortunately we did not have a piano at our house, but my Aunt's did. I used to climb up to my Auntie's piano and tinkle away, pretending to be a virtuoso -- but I wasn't very good due to lack of practice. I didn't play a full song on a piano until I was 17, the first song I learned how to play on piano was Foolish Games by Jewel. I bought a piano when I was about 20. I didn't start playing seriously until I was about 23.

How do you find the strength to compose?

It's a process that I'm still working on, right now I'm at this stage where I just want to play the piano, I don't care much for vocal melodies. I guess that I don't care about singing right now because I sing *so* much. Everything I've been playing lately has been just piano, perhaps this is due to the fact that I can relate to the music more than the words. I can understand the emotion rather than the details of a situation.

How do I find strength? That's a good question because before I started writing this project I thought I had so much of it, now I wonder where it went. Some days are so hard that the piano is my only means of communication with the inside world, other days I'm all smiles and love. I find the strength in the music, it's so intangible, so strong without physical existence that I find strength in its spirit, and the universe as well. I know that nothing physical can harm the metaphysical. It's spiritual emotion that keeps me going, some days I don't know what keeps me going... thank goodness for my spirit, if it weren't so strong I'd slump over in exhaustion.

What are some of your biggest musical influences?

I've always been partial to piano players, even when I was really young, before I played the piano. Elton John is an incredible pianist, as silly as he seems, with his sassy outfits, he's written some of the most beautiful songs of our time with lyricist Bernie Taupin. I adore Nina Simone, her "Little Girl Blue" speaks to a place that my heart understands; it takes me back to the Icefields, it's cozy there sometimes. Some of my other influences are Rufus Wainwright and Sarah Slean, both have a beautiful nostalgic sound that reminds me of the bohemian spirit, they both have such fantastic talent, and they're both from Eastern Canada.

Since I'm a pianist, it's inevitable that I would also love Tori Amos, she's got such a spark that it's hard to bare sometimes. She spans the darkest underworld to the most beautiful and bright heavens in her songs. I relate to her as a survivor who has gone from a self-loathing, guilt-ridden shell to a positive and loving spirit.

What lessons and rewards did you find after recording for 'Voices of Strength'?

I have learned to embrace patience when coping under such a tremendous amount of anger, sadness and pain. I've learned that time can't ever be caught, you can keep up with it, but you can't bypass it; what this means is that I've learned that I can't rush healing, it has to come on it's own. Working on Voices of Strength has taught me that there is so much more strength to find than I have now. I can't wait to find that strength, when I find it I'm going to have a pina colada and have a chat with the sunshine, light has something to teach me now that I'm finally coming out of the dark.

What are your plans for the future? Any more projects?

Soon I'll be releasing the songs from Voices of Strength on an e.p. entitled The Girls. There are a few songs on the e.p. that were written for Voices of Strength but weren't used for various reasons.

I'm currently playing Keyboards and singing backups for my Husband's band, The Wormwood Orchestra. We play original psychedelic music, with a bit of a twist. We are trying our hardest to ignite a new Love Revolution for this generation. You can see our myspace page HERE. I recently founded a website called 'Love' for everybody and anybody to find their own path into love, kindness and compassion. We welcome any survivors who are having a hard time adjusting in the healing journey from victim to survivor to person again. You can visit 'Love' at http://love.voicesofstrength.org.

Download 'The Icefield' Song

Visit 'The Girls' E.P Web Site