A lot of Survivors in the Aftermath of sexual abuse tend to shut off their self-esteem. We go from believing we can do anything, be anything or even look like anything to being nothing at all because we have been treated like dirt so abruptly, or for so long in some cases low self-esteem can be brought on gradually by other individuals who make us feel lower than we truly are.

Let us just snap back into reality for a moment as Survivors. Instead of telling you all of the things they did to make you feel bad about yourself and instead of telling you all of the things you did wrong in the past to make yourself feel bad about yourself for either being Depressed, Overweight, Under-weight, Worried a lot, Un-healthy, for Dressing Differently, Believing Differently, Suffering from a Mental Disease or Anxiety...ect the list goes on, why don't we just tell you why these things determine WHY they make you, YOU?

Why do these things make you so unique? Are all of the things I have listed things I too struggle with? Yes they are that is why I am so confident in sharing them with you. Have I mentioned every possible low self-esteem? Far from it the list does in fact go on and we all have infinite problems with low self-esteem. I'm not even saying these things aren't things we should improve on in our own daily lives, we should. But we have to factor in that what we choose to give to ourselves negatively every single day may just be, another form of self harm in the making. We too exist and heal and Survive just as much as any Supermodel, Saint or Senator. Being Imperfect is what makes us who we are. It is what is about to shape and mold you as a Survivor.

I obviously do not have all the answers for you, I'm here to advise you and guide you. Give you my opinion on this matter so you can see that you too are not alone. These examples below are just a few common examples of how we can perceive some of the things in our lives and try to twist them around so that we too can better the way we view our self-esteem. So that we can go from Only understanding it's lowest point to understanding it's origin all together!

"I'm Fat!"

So what! Take a look at the world now days, who doesn't worry too much. I don't really blame you and I can't exactly blame everyone else. In fact if you're blaming yourself for that right now I have to chuckle and not out of dis-respect but because people tell me not to worry ALL THE TIME. It's almost like a second language coming through my ear drums now. But seriously think about the Aftermath of Sexual Abuse. Healing is a change, it is a transition for the soul. It is a time of suffering and pain It is not an easy time. I try to compare it to being a kid all of a sudden told they need to pack their stuff up because now it's time to go live in a Foster Home. BAM! That was quick and all of a sudden you are thrown into this life that doesn't know you very well and you have to adjust you're negativity around something that seemingly has changed but maybe hasn't? It's almost complicated to understand but to the rest of the world things have stayed simple like a Galaxy where the stars all stay moving in the same speed as the galaxy moves around in it's circle. But yes you want to know why things aren't moving faster in the center since that is how it works in your Solar System, if the rules of physics are breaking what can you do about it but take your entire life to try to find the answer to solve the puzzle? And no one will think you should try to find the answer. So to worry about the world around you even if it is the smallest of things, it may seem like it's a bigger deal to them than sometimes it is to you.

When I worry about something for example I try to look at it as though I'm contributing to something in the world. Like for example if I worry about the Anniversary Month of the Rape from my Step-Father all those years ago and I show the least amount of worry. But then someone says to me "Stop worrying so much about that" in my mind I'm thinking "In a way aren't you worrying more about me worrying?" It's almost funny in a way because all I'm trying to do is heal and progress just a little bit more. What they do not perceive is that this is just another tool for my way of dealing. I may be worrying but I'm releasing as well and with each release I'm getting better, but every time they make a comment they break me back down again and I feel like I have to fight back harder. A never ending battle with myself and those around me. And it shouldn't be that way we should be able to solve these things together. So I think there might be positive ways of worrying and negative ways of worrying but I don't necessarily think that you can get to the positive ways until you break through the negative ones. But you need to tell those around you to shut up when it comes to them muffling your worries, especially the necessary ones. Here's a good thing I do when someone tries to counter-act my moves, I walk away. Because in order to come back sometimes you HAVE to walk away. It's not a sign of dis-respect remember dis-respect has already taken place on their side. You're merely taking a step in the right direction.

Now when I speak about the Un-Necessary worries these are the ones we have absolutely no control over, the ones we blame ourselves for every day and get blamed for. I've found one possible solution is to turn my TV off (Or at least to one of the learning channels). But well, I don't expect us all to follow Haullie's way of living. The world is filled with Chaos, most of our worry comes from the world around us that is a given. I'd like to think I am well in tuned with the world around me but that I don't bother myself with petty crap that might overly depress me to the point of no return. I believe you can control how much worry you have in your own lives especially for those who are like me who suffer from Chronic Illnesses (Headache-Migraine/Nausea) who just can't tolerate too much of it in their lives or for those who already have so much stress in their work life or home life. Not to mention the fact that some people are suffering from the loss of a loved one or a national tragedy. All of these things factor in for reasons of worry and chaos. So what! Sometimes you just have to say, take a look at the big picture.

"I'm Ugly"

I heard someone say to me one time "If you want to be beautiful you know what you have to do". I'm like "What? What do I have to do bitch?" Excuse my bad English but I see beauty in anything you can find as long as it's not a pile of garbage. I've seen beauty in a puddle of mud with bubbles popping out of it's surface. A very wise National Geographic show once about the REAL make-up of understanding Beauty once said that True beauty is in the eye of the beholder but that also beauty is what WE make of it, not what THEY make of it. That anything we make we can automatically make beautiful so who is to say a lump of coal can't be just as beautiful as two Turtle Doves at Christmas time? Food for Thought! You are beautiful!

"I can't afford what they have"

Neither can like 85% of all other High School or Collage kids who go to school expecting to buy the fancy things the other kids tease you for not having. Take a look around you. Kids are still being put into groups and I say the word PUT because that is exactly what happens. You ALMOST have a choice when you enter High School. Collage is different because you can basically be yourself but in high school you maybe get those few days when everything is new and then all of a sudden it's like "Find a group now!". And those who can afford Tommy Hilfiger or American Eagle Outfitters go over here and those who wear 'Target' Brand clothing go over there. It's as simple as that. Would you believe me if I told you there is not much difference between those groups except their silly little labels? The only thing that determines how different you are is the fact that you don't speak your mind. That's it, if we all knew at an earlier age that it's okay to speak our minds and be ourselves regardless of who puts us in what group we are in we would realize we are not much different from those next to us. We are merely programmed by the group and the clothes that we fit into.

"They saw my scars!"

Some Survivors of Sexual Abuse do Self-Harm and although we try to stick together to advise other Survivors that there are other ways of releasing your anger other than self harm the scars are noticeable. Sometimes are scars are seen by our peers, family & other loved ones. Sometimes it catches us off guard and others put us down or make us feel un-wanted or low because of it or even worse, dirty or revolting because of what we have done to ourselves for the simple fact that they do not understand what we have done because they themselves do not self harm. Please try to advise them that you are not doing this for them, this is your way of coping and that you understand it is not healthy but that what they do to you is not helping either and that the best thing for them to do is help you seek help for your issues not put you down for your issues. There is nothing more worse for someone who self-harms than more low self-esteem especially for someone suffering in the Aftermath of Sexual Abuse or for someone still in the Abuse. The most important job for you is to get those people to listen up, understand and pay attention. That is no cry for help, that is a sign post for them because this can happen to anyone.

"I lost my friends after the rape"

I too have lost many friends due to the fact that they don't think it can or will happen to them, they oftentimes think it's too heavy to listen to the issue so they walk the other direction in life. This is one of the hardest things a Survivor might have to deal with. Because the last thing you can do is push the issue on someone who doesn't want to listen. You can talk and talk and talk and eventually if the cold shoulder is all you get where is the justice? Where is it fair? I think what even I had to realize is that I gained more by understanding the behaviors of people in the Aftermath. When you lose a friend or friends in the Aftermath simply because they choose not to listen to your suffering and understanding it's not you who loses out, it's them. It's their selfishness. All you can do is hope they listened to just something and that they do not end up another Statistic. I don't even like referring to us as Statistics anymore but unfortunately the world works that way. Remember that we are all on a single path, that you will meet new friends, even friends like you who are Surviving still. And even if it is not your old friend's time to learn now their time will come, hopefully in a more positive manner. But it doesn't mean you've completely lost, remember that, you always have friends.