Pre-mature Sexual Exposure

This is going to be so hard to tell. This is the first time I have ever talked about this. Please keep an open mind.

After I was sexually abused and raped by my former step father in 1991 something seriously twisted in my brain. I became another person all together. I became overly sexual as a child and it was to the point of sexual addiction.

My parents, whomever my Mother was with at the time, would oftentimes have sex in the same room with me. After I was raped, this was a huge trigger. I wanted t cover that trigger up with something good. There were times when this sex was no more than inches away from my body. I would hear the moans, feel the breath and even the shaking of the bed, van, boat, or wherever it was happening.

Because I was pre-maturely exposed to sex and pornography, I began to masturbate excessively. I hid my masturbation like a perverted art form, secretly shamed by it. I would masturbate next to my Mother and her husbands or boyfriends while they would have sex inches from me while hiding it and it got so bad that it got to the point where even if they weren't in the same room with me, but were having sex in their own room, I would hear them and masturbate next to their door. Like it was a form of pornography.

I caught my Mother and former step father having sex in the middle of my bedroom floor while they thought I was asleep and all of this mental damage happened after this, this was the beginning of my nightmare.

masturbation became not good enough for me. I wanted more elaborate thoughts but I was so young and I didn't know everything. I fantasized about putting foreign objects up inside of me but was too afraid to try anything. But eventually the urge came over me and I began to do so. With almost anything that I could think of that would give me pleasure. I would often fantasize about a man and a woman having sex in my head. Each time I gave in to these thoughts, the worse they became until it became rougher and more morbid.

I remember one time I stayed with my aunt and uncle for about a month and whenever they had sex it was pretty loud and all of my cousins would laugh at it, but for me, I laughed...but the first minute I got alone to myself while they were having sex, I would creep by the door and masturbate. I felt so dirty and so ashamed of what I was doing. I felt like a little pervert. Sometimes I would put my ear up to the wall and listen.

What I didn't realize until later on in my life, was that this is what exposure to sex at a young age can do to a child. It fractures the mind. I became almost two people in one head. The good girl and the disgusting girl. I did all of this as a way to make myself feel better because I did not want to face the pain and the turmoil I was feeling inside of me. I was covering up my personal shame with more shame, conjured shame.

I was approached twice by other little girls who were friends of mine when I was about 11 or 12 who wanted to "play doctor" or as one girl said to me "lets have sex". I of course said "No" because I did not want my personal shame to be known to anyone, not even a mutual friend. And I never questioned their motives because I knew deep down I was just as "gross". I was not in any way attracted to physical things and in no way would I allow myself to do anything with another child at the time. It was more of a secret shame that I kept within me.

I started fantasizing about rape as the years progressed. I would masturbate and would be very rough with myself. I would cover my mouth like I was being kidnapped, dragged away and tortured. I would hit myself in my arms or legs while I masturbated, or pull my hair, I would think the most disgusting, horrible thoughts, thoughts that no one should hear in their heads. Words that were so profane. I would always play the rapist and the victim, and I enjoyed what I did until I was finished. Then I would pray to God to help me, to release me from this nightmare of a soul. I begged him and pleaded with him to please stop this because I did not want this and I did not understand why I was doing this to myself. I felt drenched in this feeling of being the "only one" on earth who did this to herself. I felt very alone and I still did until recently when I began to hear from some people in my life of similar experiences.

I started wanting to watch pornography more and more, but I was unable to obtain any so I would keep a journal where I drew pictures of naked couples in various positions. I used it as a way to get in the mood for whatever it was that I was about to do to myself. One day I caught my sister looking through that journal, and she had her friend with her and they were both looking at it. They looked up at me and started laughing, then she closed the book and laid it down on my bed. We never spoke about it again. I felt so ashamed, I felt caught and scared and disgusted in myself. I only wished I could be a normal child.

It wasn't until I was about 16 or 17 years old when all of this stopped. I became sexually active with boys and sometimes I found myself wishing they would be rougher and at times they were by my request to tie me up or hold my hands down. Some times I was never satisfied...but I could not allow the demons in my head to win. I knew I had to escape this before it got worse. Before I would never learn what it meant to 'make love'.

When I began my quest to heal, it was then that I realized what was going on with me as a child. I was overly exposed to sexual acts, I played them out, I punished myself with the torment behind rape fantasies as a way to cover myself up completely. In the end, I believe God really did help me. I think he stepped in and taught me what REAL love meant.

It is because of my experience as a child that I have learned what is appropriate and what is not. I'm only sad that it had to take me this long to talk about it because I know that I am not alone and this is what silence does to us. It chains us to an emotional wall. I suffered with this shame even up until now, right now. I did not want to talk about this and end up the "dirty little girl" who couldn't keep her hands out of her pants. But I want you all to know this was a battle I fought many times. There wasn't a time that it happened where I didn't really want it to happen. But I felt pushed into it happening, like there was this invisible force inside of me forcing me to do everything or think every nasty, un-natural thought.

My hope is that future children can just BE CHILDREN without this kind of mental damage. Someone once told me that having sex when your kids are in the same room with you is not a big deal, because sometimes it depends on the situation. Maybe so, but in my case, I consider it a huge deal...because look at what it did to my childhood. I got no help from this, the only help I received was my faith in God. I had to grow into a young woman before I washed my hands of these demons.

I recently got a phone call from my sister whom I haven't spoken to in a very long time. In this conversation I said to her. "I'm sorry I was such a disgusting child." As I said this tears were streaming down my face. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. You know what she said to me? "No, you weren't disgusting." I felt this huge sigh of relief. I felt like finally I don't have to be so ashamed anymore. She understands! Of all people I would never have expected her to understand, we haven't understood each other in years...but she understood me at that very moment in time. Then we both cried.

After this conversation, I felt finally released from this cage of shame. I felt more than ready to tell my story. And I encourage anyone with a story to break their silence because this is not our fault! This is something that was imprinted on us at a very young age. It is something we felt trained to do, it isn't something we asked for and we have nothing more to feel ashamed of.

I've broken my silence, and so can you.

Love & Support, Haullie